Miscarried Emotions

Something happens in you the moment the second line appears on a pregnancy test. Something changes.
You start dreaming. Planning. Imagining a nursery, names, and a life that involves your new forming family.
Everything changes with one trip to the bathroom.

Planned or unplanned, pregnancy changes everything. When you’ve been trying for a while, pregnancy is the happiest news you can receive and plan to share.

But life isn’t always that simple. Many women wait up to a full twelve weeks to tell others they are pregnant for fear of a miscarriage. Miscarriage affects one in every four women and if it is going to happen, it will most likely happen in the first twelve weeks. That is why some women choose to wait. Now, I got pregnant with our son, Cooper, very quickly and got sick consequently very quickly. That is really hard to hide for twelve weeks. My husband and I made the decision to tell people the first trimester because honestly, the way I saw it if I did miscarry, I would’ve wanted people to know that too. To many people, miscarriage is a private thing. I respect that because everyone is different. However, have you ever heard the quote that everyone is privately fighting a battle you don’t know about? It tries to teach you to be kind because of what you DON’T know about people’s lives. But why can’t you know? What if someone were willing to share? Would it change things for you or just make you uncomfortable because “people don’t talk about miscarriages”? I will tell you that it has become incredibly obvious to me this past week that people don’t like to talk about miscarriage because I just had one.

I got my positive pregnancy tests on November 1 and believe me we were ecstatic! We had been trying for four months. I had given up all my usual medications and done so many tests on myself to understand my cycles I swear I’m becoming an expert on my own body. We were so excited we told our parents within a week. Seems soon to some but they knew we were trying, and like with Cooper, we don’t like to wait to share good news! I had told a few people at work because if I did get sick or have a doctor’s appointment I wanted people to know what was going on. I didn’t think twice about it because why would I? I got pregnant easily with Cooper and relatively easily a second time. But somehow, the news never sat as well with me. My mom seemed less excited than I expected and as I later found out, she had her own suspicions all along too. I never got sick. I got some low back pain and sore breasts, but I was never nauseous. That seemed odd to me because I was ALWAYS sick with Cooper. Silly me though, I tried to logic through it. “Maybe that just means it is a girl,” or, “they say every pregnancy is different right?” Finally after two weeks, I scheduled my first doctor’s appointment. I was so excited to finally see a picture and get a due date. We had been trying to plan it so I would deliver a baby early summer like we did with Cooper and if my calculations were right, we had been successful. My mom went with me to the appointment, and the doctor walked in with a kind congratulations. Smiling I was just so ready for that ultrasound. So we start and he is quiet. He keeps looking, and looking, but he is quiet. Now anyone who knows me, knows this won’t sit well for long. Finally I get him to break the silence and he tells me that he sees a mass in my uterus but no fetal pole (i.e. early stage of baby). He tells me not to worry that I could just be really early on but that we should do some bloodwork and schedule a fancier ultrasound for Friday. Okay no problem. Don’t like missing work but no problem. Of course they don’t let you see the ultrasound pictures easily when you do those so you really don’t know what is going on so I wait at home unknowing. The doctor called me. That night. At home. That can’t be good. He tells me that they still just see a mass and no baby. That I could potentially have what is called a molar pregnancy where a mass develops instead of a fetus. He wants me to go in Monday for a final ultrasound but if they see the same thing, we would have a D&C surgery Tuesday to empty my uterus. My heart sank. I could not believe it. How could this be? How could I go through weeks of thinking I was pregnant only to have a mass instead?

Needless to say, that was a rough weekend. I prayed like I had never prayed before. I fasted from secular music (as if that would change anything). And when my mom and I went in Monday for that ultrasound, I prayed through the entire thing. I begged God for a fetal pole. I needed to know that there was a baby in there. Throughout the ultrasound, three techs had to examine me. That seemed unusual but what part of any of this seemed normal? My mom told me after that she thought she saw a beating fetal pole and it seemed like the techs did too (of course they aren’t allowed to tell you anything). The doctor calls me that night. They saw a fetal pole with heartbeat! No surgery for Tuesday! However, my hormone levels were very high. He didn’t want me to get my hopes up because my levels were very abnormal. He said we would hold off for a few days, keep testing my blood, but if my levels rose over 100k, he would be concerned about miscarriage.

Monday I went in for one more doctor’s appointment. My levels had hit 160k that weekend. Not good. Not good at all. And the mass was growing. He said he didn’t expect the fetal pole to still have a heartbeat anymore. And sure enough, it didn’t. I had miscarried. I was scheduled for surgery the next day.

All week I have been trying to process what has happened this November. I have tried to be patient and know that we don’t always get to know why. I have continually praised God through my questioning and healing. I have asked for answers when I don’t even have all my questions together. I have had to tell the people who were excited for my baby that I miscarried and tell people who didn’t know I was pregnant that I miscarried. I have had the same awkward conversation hundreds of times as I tell my story and something has become very clear to me. People are uncomfortable talking about it. And if I had to guess, it is because they have NO CLUE what to say. I’ve heard kind things, helpful things, hurtful things, and seen every uncomfortable look there is. I don’t tell people because I want them to be uncomfortable but to share my story and help people know what my family is going through. Private battles are only private if you don’t share. Things are only uncomfortable as long as society says the topic is too uncomfortable to discuss. People want to be there for you but have no idea how.

And it has been a year of loss for me to top it all off. At the beginning of the year, I lost a dear friend who didn’t want to be close with me any more. In May, my best friend moved to another state. In May, my father passed away. In early November, my mother had a small fire. And in late November, I miscarried my second child. I’m not a fan of 2018 and all it had to offer. Not that I can’t see the good God did, but because the pains aren’t something I particularly want to hold onto. I’ve never been good with loss as someone who struggles with borderline personality disorder. It always feels far more intense for me than it does for most people. Loss feels like I lose myself. This year I have truly had to live in my Christ identity because it is truly the only thing that is constant and true. I’ve clung to God and chosen to praise Him in every loss. But it’s a lot easier said than done isn’t it? I don’t have all the answers and I am certainly no expert. But after a year of painful loss, I will say I am learning a few things about how to cope with it.

1. Stay off social media
People mean well, and it is a great tool to keep people informed. But during extreme loss, keeping up with the Jones is the last thing you need to be doing. Give yourself permission to take a few days or weeks off. Even just scan less. It still helps. You can always post and then log off. Social media is everyone’s highlight reel. Very few people get real on social media. I chose to be real during this time and keep people updated but I also chose to spend about half as much time on social media because it is hard to be happy for everyone while you are trying to heal and it is hard to heal when you are seeing all you can’t or don’t have.
2. Talk or don’t talk- it is YOUR choice
People seem to be naturally uncomfortable talking about it. Loss isn’t anyone’s favorite. However, healing is an individual process with no recipe or instruction book. If you don’t want to talk about it, then don’t. Give yourself time to heal however you need to. If that is at home with your family and pets, do that. BUT, if you are like me and need people, don’t not talk about it because of how it makes other people feel. YOU are suffering. YOU are struggling. And YOU need what you need. If you know you need people, be honest about that and LET people be there for you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself what you need. You can’t take care of everyone’s feelings when you are dealing with your own. You are also not responsible for other people’s feelings. If they don’t want to talk about it, they will let you know but don’t let fear keep you silent. Say what you need to say.
3. Give yourself what you need
Sometimes you won’t know what you need because you will just cry and cry and not know how to feel better. That is okay. It is okay to cry and grieve. Because more than likely, that is what you need. You need to spend some time figuring out what you need. Be honest with yourself and those around you. If you need to cry, do that. If you need to watch a funny movie to get your mind off it, do that. Do what makes you feel better. Better looks different for everyone. It could mean feeling the emotions deeply by crying intensely or it could mean pushing them aside till you are ready to process them. (The therapist in me needs to tell you that you do eventually NEED to process them but do so when and how you are ready to). But use the experience to get to know yourself and learn how to let God and yourself meet your needs.

I could and probably will do an entirely separate post on all the spiritual lessons I am learning through loss, but I don’t feel quite ready for that. What I needed to do was tell my story. Tell everyone what happened and tell everyone that I am not afraid to talk about it. And that while I will probably cry while I talk about it, I am not ashamed of that. I lost a child, a beloved child that I desperately wanted. This week I will get the tissue results to know the exact why and how but I am grieving and mourning that loss. And I love people. I have always been a people person. And I overshare because it helps me feel connected to people. So don’t be afraid to ask me about it and don’t be freaked out if I cry. Just give me a hug and we can all get through this because deep down I believe that people can be good and want to be there for others. They just don’t always know how. Long winded and I’ve said a lot but hopefully someone out there needed to hear my story. God gives us a story and I believe we need to share it because He is glorified through it all.

Dealing with Disappointment

Dealing with Disappointment

It’s been FOREVERRRRR!!! Ya’ll I have been MIA wayyyy too long. I honestly in full disclosure wasn’t too busy. I really got down on myself for not being happy with the content I could create and just felt that if my content couldn’t be 100% what I would be happy with then I shouldn’t post at all.

Some of you may or may not know that I am Mrs. Texas Regency International and competed for the International crown in Las Vegas this July. If I learned anything from that experience, it was how to deal with disappointment. I really wanted to win ya’ll. I mean obviously we don’t do pageants to lose. But I entered this pageant to win it. I felt good about my chances. I never enter assuming anything but I definitely had a positive mindset.

I didn’t win though. I got first runner up. If you have ever competed in anything you know that being second is a hard place to be because you were ALMOST there. Almost the winner. But not quite. Not quite good enough that time.

But if you try, there’s a lesson in everything so here are a couple things I’ve learned about dealing with disappointment through this experience. So here are three lessons I learned through NOT winning this pageant.

1. It does NOT mean you weren’t enough
This was the hardest to swallow because to me, not winning exactly means I wasn’t good enough. Really though, it just means it wasn’t my year. I did well. I scored high in almost every category, but I did not win. There was a destiny meant for someone else to have that crown this year. But I serve a God who knows all and has a great plan for me and for right now, that meant now winning. It takes great faith to trust that but not being enough is far too extreme an assumption for the lack of crown. I I almost won and that is how I see it now.

2. Being disappointed is okay, being mad is not
This is one of the first times I left a pageant without a crown and yet not sad or mad. I knew I did all I could this year given my circumstances to prepare, and I let that be enough. If we had more money… If my dress cost more… If I hired that person… there are too many if’s that could tell me why I didn’t win. At the end of the day, I did what I could without putting my family in a negative situation. That is all I could do. Is it disappointing not to win? Of course! I set my mind to something and it didn’t happen. However, that is just disappointing. Anger is pointless. There is NO reason to be angry. Who should I blame? The judges? No, they picked the best winner for that day. The winner? No, she deserved to win because she is a sweet, precious person. Myself? Absolutely not. I was the best me possible. You can be the best apple in the bunch but sometimes, they want an orange. That is okay. It’s disappointing but not infuriating.

3. Remember the journey
Disappointment is usually the result of not achieving or getting something we wanted, hoped, or expected to get. That is all that happened. I hoped to win and didn’t. That’s it. But does that discount a year as Mrs. Texas RI? Nope. Does that mean I didn’t have SO MUCH FUN with all the other girls at the pageant? Oh heck no. Ya’ll the journey is everything. We can’t spend so much of life staring at what we want or where we want to be that we miss out on the journey getting there. That’s where memories are made. I don’t remember crowning at the pageant but I DO remember dancing around with my friends. I do remember the fun accents of the United Kingdom contestants. I remember joking with my hair stylist every day. I remember those things. And truth be told, I’d rather remember that. It’s how I want to live my life. The journey isn’t to be missed because we want to get somewhere. You miss everything that way.

Be well, friends.

xo Megan

JOYome!

JOYome!

I am a HUGE fan of all things beauty whether it is bath products, makeup, or hair-I love it all! But anyone who knows how to do makeup well knows that it starts with good skincare. My mother used to always say, “Monet never painted on a dirty canvas.” Consider makeup your paint and your face the canvas. It needs to be ready to take the makeup and an even surface. That’s why I am obsessed with Plexus’ new skincare serums: JOYome!

JOYome contains a day and night serum using all natural ingredients. While I am no expect in chemistry, I can tell you that this product is decreasing the visibility of the lines in my face on my forehead, under eyes, and around my mouth. It works to restore the micro biomes in your skin and uses a patented hydra lipid delivery system. My skin feels tighter yet requires no moisturizer anymore! It has almost no fragrance (it’s really just a fresh and light smell) thusly, no harmful fragrance to upset sensitive skin. I am in AWE of my results, and I have only been using it a week.

You can’t officially order it as a customer until June 7, but I have samples and can get you signed as an ambassador to get a VIP box with a 60 day supply while supplies last. I don’t usually like to use my blog to promote things I sell because that isn’t what the blog is about. However, if I want to share beauty secrets with you, I HAVE to share how my face is getting so “glowy”.

If you want more information, let me know or go to this link then get back to me!

xo Megan

Dry Bar Sugar Land

Dry Bar Sugar Land

There is nothing more glamorous than a spa day or getting your nails done, but what about your hair? Sometimes you spend hours in the salon (is that just me?) waiting for the awesome part where they spend 30 minutes making your hair look fab enough for that “I just got my hair done” selfie. Dry Bar helps you skip the long time part and go straight to the looking bomb dot com effortlessly part. They wash, dry, and style your hair for a flat $45. I have visited others in other cities but you know I had to go when Sugar Land got one!

Located right by the mall and next to Kendra Scott and Sephora, it’s easy to find with its colorful yellow enterance. Go early for your appointment because parking isn’t always easily available despite the large lot.

Address : 16535 Southwest Fwy space 3015, Sugar Land, TX 77479

Hours:

Mon‑Fri: 7AM – 8PM Sat: 8AM – 8PM Sun: 10AM – 7PM

Everything matches its fabulous signature YELLOW, and they offer their own line of products and hair tools.

Can we just talk about how glam this looks?

Lemon flavored macaroons? Yes, please!

A sweet mimosa to really relax.

  Go visit my friends at Dry Bar and tell them I sent you! I had stylist Eric and loved my experience!

 

xo Megs

Wellness Wednesday: Love

Wellness Wednesday: Love

Today is the last day of my Wellness Wednesday series on HEALing and how fitting to end on LOVE. A pageant platform is more than just a cause used to make you look good, it should be your passion. Your why. The reason behind the crown. I love competing in pageants because I love feeling confident and making friends and yes… occasionally winning. However the best part of it all is making a difference and being a spokeswoman for the issue that means the most to me: mental health.

As someone who has watched their family suffer from things like alcoholism, depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, Tourettes, I became very aware of mental health as an issue and, watching my brother bullied for the issues, aware of the stigma. Once I went to college, my own issues came to surface as I developed Borderline Personality Disorder and an eating disorder. I got help. I got treatment. I started medications. But more than that, I found my passion for counseling and helping others who struggle. I made it my life’s mission to help others get the help they need.

That’s why the other steps are important: get help (professional and personal), utilize coping strategies for “emotional homework”, have goals and ambition to give your life purpose. After you’ve worked on all these, you start to tackle the hardest step of all: love.

Self-love is the hardest thing to have because it usually requires that we find contentment, or scarier yet, happiness, in who we are. To truly love ourselves we must affirm to ourselves that who we are is someone worth loving. When I started my journey, my best friend made me a book of affirmations and positive quotes. It sounds cheesy because it is, but it works. When we recite positivity into our lives, eventually that is what manifests. What happens after you watch a scary movie? Most people are skiddish and jumpy. We are what we put into ourselves. Scary in-scary out. Therefore positive in-positive out. Self-love is something I still work on daily, but I can tell you when the other three steps are mastered, this one becomes possible and, eventually, probable. You can learn to love who you are. Look to the women you know that do. Don’t you admire them? It’s not cocky, it’s confidence and self-esteem. Be the person others can look up to and someone you can be proud to be because you are worth it. You are someone worth loving. Be well my friends.

xo Megs

Pageant Hair Tutorial

Pageant Hair Tutorial

Here by popular demand is my pageant hair tutorial! I know you have seen pageant girls with their big curls, but hey, you can work pageant hair any day for any reason. It takes more work than you’re usual style and depending on hair length and thickness, it can take up to an hour. However, I love the look. If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d wear it everyday.

Here’s what you need:

pageant hair tutorial

Teasing comb, brush, hair pins (mine are from Sally’s, either pony tail holders or butterfly clips, hairspray)

Okay, so you’ve got that and some wild hair ready to be tamed! Yikes!

Alright, so first if you’ve got thin hair like me, you’ll want to put in some extensions. Now that would be a separate blog in itself so let me know if that is one I should write too!

Okay, next we section hair into three sections: top/crown, middle, and bottom row.

Do you see how I made the crown of my head into somewhat of a rectangle? Then pinned it to my head?

Then the middle section of my hair is also portioned off leaving a very small amount of hair on the bottom row.

Now we start!

Take a small section of hair and hairspray it. Then roll it into your curling iron and HOLD IT THERE for like 30 seconds. It will feel like forever but you MUST do it that long for it to hold.

Then unroll the curl into your hand. Keep it in a sort of roll and pin it to your head. See pics below.

Continue the process on that line of hair. Then take down a row of hair from the middle section and do the same thing.

Be sure to use small enough sections of hair so the middle section of hair may end up being 2-3 rows. (Forgive my wicked messy closet below!)

Now we get to the crown!

You will start from the back and work your way forward. Section it into small rows. Tease the root and spray it. THEN, curl it. THEN, spray the curl and pin it.

Go row by row.

Finally, you are at the last row. Tease it but a little less than the others because it is at the front of your head and will show more. Then, spray the tease and hair. Then, curl and pin.

Now you have a head full of pin curls! So glamorous, right?

You sadly need to leave them in as long as humanly possible to let them set.

When you are like 20-30 minutes from really having to leave, change clothes first. You should ideally not be wearing whatever fab attire you will be wearing for the day/night.

Start taking it down from the bottom rows up to the crown. Then from the back of the crown, forward.

Depending on how curly you want your hair, you can finger through the curls to get the desired amount of looseness.

Then, take your teasing comb and start from right behind your final curl in the front of your face. Start gently combing backwards till most of the top is heading backwards. Then take down the front curl and divide across your face. Tame any unruliness and spray, spray, spray!!!

There you have it! Luscious pageant hair! Sorry that my photos had to be selfies. The hubs was away. Hope it was helpful. Let me know if there are other beauty hacks you’d like to read!

xo Megs

 

 

 

Brunch Spot: Jupiter!

As a mom, there is nothing more satisfying than a good brunch! Whether you are out with the girls or the hubby, brunch is by far my favorite meal as it is the perfect excuse to mix breakfast food with cocktails. One of my favorite brunch spots right now is Jupiter in Sugar Land Town Square. Be sure to get there early because there’s usually a wait, but it’s totally worth it!

Located in Sugar Land Town Square, Jupiter is open Tuesday through Sunday with amble garage parking!

I highly recommend a Jupiter mimosa

Wafflettes: while this is an appetizer I totally ate it like an entree!

Fat Bastard (yes, that is what it is called)

It’s as casual or cute as you want it to be!

I can assure you that if you are near Sugar Land, a trip to Jupiter is a MUST! I’m a huge fan of brunch as is, but Jupiter is one of the only places I will literally wait in line for because the food is just that good!

xo Megan

 

Wellness Wednesday: Ambition

Wellness Wednesday: Ambition

So in returning to the Wellness Wednesday: HEAL series, today I will be focusing on ambition. We have had help and emotional homework and this third step is so important to feel purpose. Without a sense of purpose, we naturally feel hopeless. Everyone has innate needs like belonging and love but a huge part of what motivates us is our purpose or ambition.

Deep down, we all want to feel like there is a reason to life. A reason to keep going. A reason to go through struggles. That is why you hear people ask, “why me?” when bad things happen to them. They don’t understand the always curious why. The hard part is we determine our own why.

We each have to decide for ourselves what we want out of life. Family. Friends. Career. Travel. Love. Whatever that passion is for you it is your why and ambition. For me, I always wanted to be married with kids. That ambition got me through the worst part of my recovery because I knew if I didn’t recover, I might kill my chances of having children.

Now that I have my son, I have to find new reasons. I think about being his role model. Having another child. Making my husband proud. Sometimes I have to focus on a different why each day. Ambition can be as simple as making it through the day in one piece. To truly maintain or obtain wellness, you must find a purpose you can live for. It is a critical part of the motivation for wellness. We, as people, rarely do things without a reason. Reasons=ambition.

xo Megan

Momming Monday: Slim!

Momming Monday: Slim!

So for today’s Momming Monday I thought I’d cover health and weight loss. I had a baby seven months ago, and I gained 60 pounds! Didn’t mean to but hey, I craved french fries so I ate them! Then I was left with being larger than I’ve ever been in my life. I had to lose it somehow. Some drops on its own as all mommas know but not all.

I had seen a bunch on posts on Facebook and like you, I rolled my eyes. I thought, “Man, these people are annoying!” or “They just wanna sell me something.” I watched for over a year, ya’ll!

Finally, I had lost like 40-45 but I was still incredibly unhealthy and couldn’t live with that number on the scale. So I tried it. I tried Plexus.

They have a money back guarantee, and I laughed knowing I would use it.

But I didn’t. I lost weight. And I felt better.

Gut health isn’t something I still fully understand. But the pink Slim drink balances your blood sugars to eliminate cravings and by golly, I barely drink caffeine anymore. Biocleanse helps your intestinal track, and I now go to the bathroom without pain. Block helps me cheat with less guilt. Accelerator keeps my metabolism up.

It’s working! For real! I wouldn’t suggest it if it didn’t. I really thought it was a joke. Now here I am as a huge advocate for all the products because they work! It’s that simple.

You just need a bottle of water and a packet of Slim.

Mix it and drink it in the morning to keep yourself in check.

I wish I could give Plexus to the world because everyone needs it. But if you are interested, check out my SHOP page.

xo Megan

Wellness Wednesday: Emotional Homework

Wellness Wednesday: Emotional Homework

It’s Wellness Wednesday! So for those who were hoping for a post last week, my sincere apologies. I had to do some major self-care after my father had a brutal fall on Tuesday. If you could send a prayer or some good vibes his way, I would greatly appreciate it! Anyways, I am back and ready to cover part two of HEAL which is Emotional Homework.

Emotional homework is basically self-care and coping skills. When life gets you down or stress overwhelms you, what calms you down?

Now, you need to be sure that what calms you down is good for you. Obviously not any addiction like excessive alcohol, self-harm, drugs, etc. But something that cheers you up either in moderation or completely healthy.

Things you can do in moderation:

  1. A drink or two
  2. Shopping (trust me, you don’t want a large credit card bill for a stress “relief”)
  3. Exercise (because too much can be a problem)

Now there are some EXCELLENT options I have learned throughout the years in treatment or just on my own.

  1. Sand

Now this sounds silly but go with me on this. Sand is such a stress release because you can mold it or just move it around but psychologically it doesn’t require thought but does require motor skills. Using the motor skills takes just enough thought to, in many ways, blur out your other thoughts. Plus Brookstone sand is so fluffy and fun to play with!

2. Journaling

This recommendation comes from a combination of years of therapy and knowledge as an up and coming therapist. Journaling helps you process your thoughts and experiences in a new way. Writing down things helps you process them more than just having the thought. You work through things and focus on specific things that bother you.

3. Silly Putty or Play-Doh

Silly Putty and Play-Doh have the same benefits as sand. Whether you choose to create something or just squish it around in your hands, it’s incredibly therapeutic to just play with it. These things may sound childish but the simplicity can calm you down in ways you can’t always do.

I’m a big fan of also seeing a movie, getting a cup of coffee, going for a drive, drawing a picture, blasting a good song, or whatever works for you. As long as you find something that helps you emotionally cope with whatever is going on, I’d call that “emotional homework”. Clever name? Ha or maybe I am just cheesy.

xo Megan